Chelsea Kaplan’s Musings About Life... After Birth

Guess what Big Bro had for dinner tonight:

The Sports Illustrated soft porn swimsuit issue came in the mail today. The magazine annoys me for a multitude of reasons: first, I don’t know why they even bother to claim that there are swimsuits in that issue; the majority of the women are essentially buck naked, and those (at least in this issue) who are “clothed” are wearing painted-on “swimsuits”. Second, all the women are ridiculously skinny and hot, and at 8 months pregnant and about 35 pounds over my ideal weight, I freaking hate women like that (oh, who am I kidding - I always hate women like that). At times I’m on the fence about how I feel about Hillary Clinton as leader of the free world, but when I saw the magazine, I thanked God that there’s a woman running for President to counteract some of the SI-generated “women are nothing but eye candy/sex objects” crap.

Perhaps just to mess with me a bit, my husband brought the magazine into the kitchen while I was giving our son dinner. “Look what came today!” he sang, waving the magazine in front of our son’s face. I rolled my eyes.

Our son grabbed the magazine and looked at the cover, checking out glamazon cover girl Marisa Miller, who was clad in a bikini bottom smaller than one of his diapers, her chest covered with a few strands of beads. You know, exactly the kind of thing women wear all the time when they go to the beach.

It’s Mommy!” he said, pointing at Marisa.

When he asked for a cookie after dinner, I gave him five.

I’ve never been a huge fan of “message” tees. Even when they were cool like two or so years ago, I always thought they were lame - especially when worn by annoying celebrities like Paris Hilton and the like, with messages like “I stole your boyfriend” or “Mrs. Timberlake”. Barf.

Of course, maternitywear has its fair share of message tees, many of which are equally lame (who can forget Britney Spears, pregnant with first son Sean Preston, showing up at the premiere of the remake of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” sporting an “I have the golden ticket” tee, complete with arrow pointing to her belly?). I find most of them pretty contrived - especially the “obvious” ones that say corny things like “sexy mama”. Ohhh - I get it! You’re sexy - AND about to be a mama! How CLEVER!

As with anything, however, there are exceptions. Occasionally, maternity tees do pop up that are downright funny - not to mention authentically clever. My favorites are the ones from Molly Anna, many of which are made from organic cotton. Here are a few I find quite cute:

My husband has been out of town 3 nights this week, and Mama desperately needs a drink. Too bad I’m pregnant. Serenity now!

Luckily, Atlanta Momtourage member Melissa saved my sanity when she sent me this absolutely HYSTERICAL youtube video today. I usually think most youtube videos people forward me aren’t all that funny, but his one made me laugh out loud. What a stress reliever.

I so wish I had done that at my wedding. Perhaps if my husband and I ever renew our vows?