Musings About Life... After Birth

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JessicaAlba,Iofficiallyloveyounow.

Posted by Chelsea on August 08, 2011

When it comes to celebrities, I am most opinionated. Obviously, I know them all super-well, so I clearly have all sorts of gounds on which to form said opinions. I mean, doesn't three years of Us Weekly subscriber status offer one the right to judge? Um, I think so.....

Regarding Jessica Alba, I have never been a fan. I find her pretty and all, but my distaste for her comes from the fact that I think she's a really crappy actress who has been in a bunch of really crappy movies and therefore I think she's not so deserving of the fame she's earned. Sorry, Jess.  That's just how I feel.

When I saw Jessica on the cover of the September Lucky magazine, I groaned. She's already not my fave, and there she is, looking not one ounce pregnant despite getting ready to give birth any day now, with the cover touting that she'll share her thoughts "on nudity, hating diets and her secret splurges." Gag all around. Imagine my surprise, then, when I read the story inside and found her comments about losing baby weight (in my opinion, one of the all-time worst task EVER) refreshing, honest and just flat-out awesome. Reading what she said made me want to literally cheer out loud, and I'm not being hyperbolic. Tell me you don't love what she says:

On her post-baby shape-up plans: "I have a hard time with portion control, so I have 1,200-calorie meals delivered. But I also work out, so basically I'm starving  - it sucks." 

Seriously, thank, you, Jessica, for admitting that the way celebrities drop their baby weight in record time is to a) pay lots of money for someone else to make them portion-controlled meals and ultimately, b) work out so much that they literally starve themselves. And, naturally, that that particular course of action sucks. Of course that's what they do, because there is NO OTHER WAY to lose 35 pounds in a freaking month. At all. I just loved hearing someone admit it and not be all, "I just have really good genes," or, "I did a lot of pilates when I was pregnant." Please.

On working out: "Working out every day for even just 45 minutes is good for my mental state. But getting dressed and actually doing it is the worst. It's hard to get motivated...In the gym, I have like five things to distract me "TV, iPod, magazines. Workout partners are good, too, so you can chat and not just drown in your own misery. Sorry, does that sound bad? I just hate working out."

Again, Jessica, I am loving your honesty here. i know the "I hate working out" statement isn't original or particularly Earth-shattering, but again, I love that she freely admits that working out makes her miserable and that essentially, she'd rather be sitting on the sofa watching the Real Housewives than on the treadmill. I feel that way, and I love hearing that someone else  - especially someone who looks like her - admit that they have to force themselves to work out and that they don't just "loooove the endorphins!!!!" it provides them.  A celebrity actually being real  - especially about this kind of thing - just makes me happy. 

  

Jessica, I heart you. 

 

In light of Jessica's comments, I have now decided that I officially love her and will no longer diss or avoid reading stories about her. I will not, however, go and see "Spy Kids 14" or whatever the heck her next movie will be. Sorry, but I still do have some standards. 

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VotewithYourMoney:Don’tMakeCaseyAnthonyaCelebrity

Posted by Colleen on July 27, 2011

Two of my hugest celeb crushes are on Tina Fey and Jen Lancaster. (Is that weird?) Seriously, if I ever get approved by the Make a Wish foundation based on my recurring case of writer's block, my wish is totally going to be a cocktail hour with these two hilarious ladies. 

If you don't read Jen Lancaster's blog, Jennsylvania, you're missing out. Go read it, and you're welcome. (Just remember to come back...I can spend hours on it.)

Jen's hilarious, but she sometimes puts up serious posts that are spot on, like this one.

I wrote a response to the Casey Anthony verdict for YourTango's LoveMom blog in which I tried to shed some light on Casey's situation as a young single mom. I have faith in our justice system but no law degree, so I can't freak out or comment intelligently on what happened. But I will say that I think it's terrible that Caylee isn't with us anymore, and I know that one way or another it's Casey's fault. Casey's not going to prison since the jury found her not guilty, but as the public's pretty much condemned her to a life lived under a cloud of hatred, and hopefully that will amount to justice in itself.

Unless, as many are predicting, our reality tv-obsessed, unlikely celebrity-creating, whacked out society decides to throw money her way. Which is where you come in.

Jen's post sends out a call asking Americans to join together in a boycott of anything giving Anthony financial gain for the death of her daughter, and I'm signing up. In the capitalistic society in which we live, sometimes the most powerful way to vote is with your money, and I would like to ask all our readers to make it a point to avoid putting blood money in Anthony's pocket.

Don't buy the book.

Don't see the movie.

Don't even turn Liftetime on the week her made for TV movie airs. (Anyone else predicting Jennifer Love Hewitt?)

Whether or not Anthony killed her daughter, she definitely didn't save her. Don't let her get rich for failing her daughter. I'll end my post with Jen's words.

"But if there's no audience, there's no money.

Think about it, won't you?"

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18isenough.Reallyfolks,it’senough.

Posted by Chelsea on December 19, 2008

The top story on People.com today (yeah, I read it regularly): the birth of Jim and Michelle Duggar’s 18th child - and their desire to keep on havin’ more.

The Duggars, who reside in Tontitown, Ark., have 10 sons and eight daughters, ranging in age from 17 months to 20 years, all with first names starting with the letter J, including the newborn addition, Jordyn-Grace Makiya Duggar. They are featured on the TLC network show “17 Kids & Counting” (which will no doubt have its name updated to reflect the birth of No. 18). I guess Jon and Kate Plus Eight wasn’t hard core enough for some people, so they had to go with another clan of folks who think a house full of kids is a recipe for bliss. I don’t watch either show, but I do know of Jon & Kate. I watched it once, and was so put off by how disgustingly Kate treats Jon, I had to turn it off. I guess if I had eight kids and was with them all day, I would treat my husband like crap too, but still, she’s just too harsh - even for me.

Naturally, I have all sorts of thoughts on the Duggars. Here they are, broken into categories:

Michelle

1) Sister Michelle has been pregnant for 162 months. That’s 13.5 years. Jesus. Can you imagine all that heartburn? With all the Tums she must have consumed in her lifetime, I bet her bones are like iron.

2) I wonder if she just perennially shops in the maternity department. I mean, she must, right?

3) Does she even try to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight? Does she know what it is?

4) Her hormones must be yo-yo-esque. I would hate to be her husband - or her kids.

5) I bet her nails are kick-ass. With all those pregnancies, they must be killer.

Jim

1) Initially, I thought he must be really lucky in the sex department - with all those pregnancies, it seems like he and Michelle must get it on all the time. However, after more careful analysis, I have come to the conclusion that this poor dude actually has the worst sex life in America. He wife is always pregnant AND they have a messload of kids. Think she’s in the mood often? You catch my drift.

2) I’m thinking the “J” names of the kids are all to honor him, some weirdo narcissistic George Foreman kinda thing. If so, dude, that’s lame. I mean, you’ve spread your seed 18 times, Jim. Your genetic material is all over the place. There’s really no need to brand all of them with your initial to seal the deal, is there?

Jim and Michelle

1) These people are, without a doubt, on freaking crack. 18 kids? And they want more? I’m sorry, but that’s just flat-out weird. Even if you absolutely adore kids, when you have that many, you can’t really develop these deep, meaningful relationships with each of them. It’s just impossible. I guess the kids will end up having them with each other (or at least the ones closest in age to them), and that is of value, but that’s with each other, not Jim and Michelle. So why, people? Really? Are they just gluttons for punishment? So socially awkward that they have no friends and therefore had to create a whole community of people who had to hang out with them? Members of a weirdo religious cult? I think the latter. Michelle has that horrendous cult hair (read: unnaturally long and worn in some bizarre Little House on the Prairie ‘do), as do her teenage daughters. Definitely cult.

2) What do they drive to cart around all of those kids? I know having three kids means getting a minivan, and you all know I cringe at the thought of that. But seriously,  do they own a schoolbus?

3) Do you think they find out the sex of the baby before it’s born? I doubt it. I mean, with 10 of one sex and eight of another, do they really care? If they like to be surprised, when the baby comes out and the doctor announces its sex, do you think they’re like, “Oh, okay, cool. Whatever.”?

Things that make you go hmmmmmm….

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MondayMomMust-Haves(andGiveaway!):twistWatersandBALANCEBarBareSweetandSaltybars

Posted by Chelsea on July 14, 2008

I am so sick of seeing stories about how celebrities lost their baby weight that if I read one more, I think I’ll puke until I lose all of mine. It’s neither original nor all that funny anymore to complain about how unrealistic the rates as which celebrities lose their baby weight are. Obviously, it’s their job to do so, and because they’re multi-millionaires whose job is to look amazing, they literally spend all day and millions of dollars ensuring that within 4 or so months after popping out their kids, they’re lean and mean again.  Certainly, if you and I had Jennifer Lopez’s money, we’d have nannies caring for our kids (b.s. to her and Skeletor’s claims that they don’t employ nannies, by the way) while our personal chef, trainer and nutritionist (according to this week’s US Weekly) literally worked our butts off. And then, of course, we’d be rocking bikinis four months after having twins, just as she was recently seen doing.

Okay, so not totally perfect, but well on her way. I hate you, Jennifer.


For us real gals, the real way to lose weight is the un-fancy “eat less and exercise” program. I’m no health expert, but I know (and, naturally, hate) the simple truth that when you burn more calories than you consume, weight comes off. When I finally decided to lose my weight after Big Bro was born, I lived on BALANCE Bar Bare Sweet & Salty bars. They come in Chocolate Almond and Peanut Butter flavors, but my favorite was Yogurt Nut. What I like about these bars is that unlike other nutrition bars, they actually taste good and not all artificial and cardboard-y. They’re the perfect combo of salty and sweet, and they really do keep you satisfied for hours (note to Weight Watchers devotees: they’re four points each).

$14.49 for 15 bars, drugstore.com. Yum.


This go-‘round, I’m still on the bars, but I’ve added Momtourage member Alicia’s not-so secret secret: drink lots of water. Because I find drinking loads of plain water rather boring and therefore somewhat painful to actually do, I’ve been guzzling this new water beverage called twist. I’m freaked out by most things artificial in my drinks (my food, not so much - see above), so this stuff has none of it. Essentially, it’s an organic, low-calorie (less than 10 per serving), preservative-free water flavored with juice and organic agave nectar for just a touch of sweetness. They come in six fruity flavors: Lemon, Mandarin White Tea, Mango Acai, Pomegranate Blueberry, West Indies Lime and Peach (my favorite, because I’m from Georgia like that).

I kinda bet these would be good with a little vodka, but that would defeat the purpose. Sigh.


Seriously - these drinks are awesome. If you need inspiration to drink yourself come water - you must try them. You can get these waters for around $1.29 for 19-ounces at specialty grocery stores (like Whole Foods) around the country. If you’d like to try them, I’ve got a set of all six flavors to give away to 10 winners each. To be eligible to win, you must be registered for The Momtourage’s mailing list, so if you’re not, click on the green “Join Our Mailing List” box at the top, right-hand corner of this page to register. 

15 (okay, 20) pounds to go…...

Bizarrepressreleaseoftheweek:TheTweenPlasticSurgeryCraze

Posted by Chelsea on June 27, 2008

As a journalist who writes “lifestyle” articles (think fashion, beauty, home, parenting, etc.), I am routinely sent information and new products from press agents and publicists, all in the hopes that I’ll report on said products, thus gaining exposure for them. This info comes through many channels -  email and even snail mail sometimes, but most comes courtesy of the UPS and FedEx guys, both of whom visit me so often that we call each other by first names, trade stories about our kids, etc. I really rely on the proactive communication from publicists and press agents; without them, I would have to spend nearly every waking moment shopping and reading stuff online. Okay, so I pretty much do that anyway (when I’m not being the world’s most awesome mother, of course), but there are fantastic things and important news that I sometimes miss, and these men and women keep me from doing that.

Occasionally, however, I get a press release that’s just plane insanity, and not in a good way. Today was such an instance, when I received an email touting “The Tween Plastic Surgery Craze”.

What? The tween plastic surgery craze? Like, kids ages 8-12? For the love of God…...

Here’s what it said (cut and pasted from the email I received):

Hi Chelsea,

What is the appropriate age to have plastic surgery? Why are so many teens coming in requesting procedures? Are they being teased at school? Is it peer pressure? More and more teens are having plastic surgery at a younger age to achieve that perfect nose, those perfect boobs, or that idea(sic) chin.

With rumors flying that celebs like Ashley Tisdale and Ashley(sic) Simpson have gotten facial plastic surgery makeovers, many teen girls see transformation and want similar results. According to the American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, cosmetic ear surgery or otoplasty was the most popular cosmetic procedure among teens in 2007.

“I generally won’t operate on a patient under age 18 unless there is an obvious deformity needing correction. One that if I didn’t fix, may leave psychological scars on the patient,” says Dr. Garth Fisher, board certified Beverly Hills plastic and reconstructive surgeon.

According to Dr. Fisher, the top 10 procedures requested by teens include:

  1. Otoplasty
  2. Rhinoplasty
  3. Breast Augmentation
  4. Breast Reduction
  5. Liposuction
  6. Facelifts
  7. Cheek Inplants(sic)
  8. Chin Augmentation
  9. Botox
  10. Laser Application

So, in the release, “teens” and not “tweens” are referenced, so I’m not totally getting the release’s title, but whatever - it’s still nuts. OK, I get nose jobs and otoplasty (getting your ears pinned back), but there are teens/tweens getting facelifts and Botox? What? Have any of you heard of this ridiculousness actually happening?

Tags plastic surgery, botox

Thenew“GoodnightMoon”

Posted by Chelsea on April 19, 2008


Momtourage member Amy sent me an email the other day with the information on “My Beautiful Mommy”, a new children’s book. Sounds sweet, right?

Uh, not so much.

This book, by Florida-based plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Salzhauer, is billed by its author as “the first book that explains plastic surgery to kids”, an issue with which he says many of his patients struggle.

“More than half the women that come in for procedures bring their children with them,” he said. “And most parents go into denial about the surgery with regard to their children.”

OK, seriously….who brings their KIDS to a plastic surgery consultation - or worse, procedure? People other than The Real Housewives of New York City?

The book’s story focuses on the journey of a mother and her child as they visit the “fictional” office of the “fictional” “Dr. Michael” for cosmetic surgery. The mother explains her impending nose job and tummy tuck to her young daughter, but oddly chooses to hide the fact that she’s also springing for some double D’s. That’s right - Mama also gets a boob job, but Salzhauer is “judicious” enough to use only illustrations to bring that piece of the story to life. “She does get a boob job, but I skirt that issue because I think that’s the parents’ choice whether they want to address that particular part of the operation with their children,” he explains. Because talk about breasts may freak kids out, ya know? The idea of tummy tucks and nose jobs, however, don’t, apparently.

“Why are you going to look different?” asks the daughter of her mother in the car ride back from the doctor’s office. “Not just different, my dear — prettier!” exclaims the mother.

Ick.

When prodded by her daughter as to why she’s getting a small home’s value worth of plastic surgery, Mommy explains how her clothes don’t fit properly anymore because of her stretched-out stomach. You know, all as a result of bringing her daughter, the little wench, into the world. Sweet message, Mom. “I’m going under the knife because you wreaked havoc on my body, sweetheart! If something - God forbid - happens to me, don’t spend too many years in analysis trying to get over it - especially since we won’t have any money to pay for it after I spend it all with (the fictional) Dr. Michael!”

By the end of the story, you can bounce quarters off of Mommy’s abs and her nose looks like a Swiss ski slope. And, of course, even though it’s not addressed explicitly (discretion, y’all), her ta-tas are Playmate of the Month-worthy. It’s a happy ending akin to Cinderella ending up with the prince.

For the record, I don’t think plastic surgery itself is ridiculous at all. If you want it, Sisters (or Brothers, for that matter) - go forth like the wind and get it, I say. I’ve always felt this way, but especially now that my “I’ve had two kids” body is sag-alicious. I wouldn’t rule out a tummy tuck, but would I ever buy a book to explain it to my kids? Um, no. I certainly get the need for children’s literature that explains illnesses, death, the impending arrival of baby siblings, etc. to kids, but plastic surgery? Really?

To this question, Salzhauer answers:

“When mom goes down everyone in the house is affected — especially the kids,” he says, adding that many kids get upset when their mother seems sick or too tired to play. “They know something is going on and she has bandages, so they start to ask, ‘What’s wrong with mommy?’”

I would “go down” from my overwhelming feeling that this is surely the sign of the apocalypse, but I’m too consumed with laughing my ass off. Whee! One less area to liposuction!

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Who’sthewomandumbenoughtohireanannythatlookslikeTHIS?

Posted by Chelsea on March 11, 2008

American Idol contestant Brooke White, former nanny to twin baby girls.

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Awidelyunknownpost-pregnancyafter-effect?

Posted by Chelsea on January 07, 2008

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who I really, really dislike, returned to The View this morning after having been on maternity leave following the birth of her second child, son Taylor Thomas. Check out her glorious homecoming to the lamest group of daytime talk show hostesses ever by clicking here.

If there’s one thing that irks me more than talentless, Fox news-regurgitating, Stepford fembots who are supposed to represent the ladies of my generation, it’s placing unrealistic weight loss expectations on post-partum moms. Despite this, I did tune in to watch Elisabeth and see how she looked. Clad in a crazy-printed, black and white empire-waist dress, you couldn’t really tell how much weight she had or hadn’t lost, and you know what - fine with me. Even though I am sure your producers will have an opinion on how quickly you need to lose that weight, I don’t care, Elisabeth. You just had your second kid, so don’t worry about it. Take your time.

What I do care about, however, Elisabeth, was your decision to get a spray-tan that made you look like a walking clementine. I’m assuming this was the case, as I have only seen babies “yellow” with jaundice post-birth, and not moms “orange “with whatever the heck might turn them orange. You looked like an oompa loompa, Liz. Go home and scrub that crap off with a Mr. Clean magic eraser.

Your, baby, however? Seriously, seriously cute. Call me for a play date. I need to talk some political sense into you anyway.

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Mrs.Kaplan,you’retryingtoseduceme,aren’tyou?

Posted by Chelsea on January 03, 2008

If Mike Nichols wants to do a remake of “The Graduate” (a.k.a. my favorite movie of all time), I’m hereby inviting him to cast me as Mrs. Robinson and my most recent crush, Michael Cera, as Benjamin Braddock, the young buck she seduces and later beds, much to the dismay of her daughter, who’s dating him.

I always thought Cera was adorable on Arrested Development, the canceled Fox series that employed way too much brilliantly subtle humor to be embraced by the majority of television-watching America, but ever since seeing him in recent movies “Superbad” and “Juno” (in which he delivers an especially “I love you, Michael, really….I do” performance), I find him absolutely swoon-worthy.

Cera in “Juno”. Quit holding my man’s hand, bitch.

Sure, he’s a barely legal, single Hollywood star at the peak of his marketability and I’m 32, married, nearly 7 months pregnant and go to bed with pink dot constellations of Mario Badescu’s drying potion on my zits, but who the hell says I don’t have a shot with him?

Call me, Michael…...I’ll be the Demi to your Ashton.

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Isthiscreepy,orisitjustme?

Posted by Chelsea on November 29, 2007

From People.com:

“Tattoo” singer Jordin Sparks is determined to get a tattoo of her own – and she wants it to be the name of her brother P.J., whom she misses terribly now that she travels so much.

“This past year has made me realize how much I took my relationship with him for granted,” the singer, 17, tells the San Francisco Chronicle of her sibling, who is two years younger.

“I’ve only been home a week and a half since the year started, and I really miss him,” she says. “He knows everything about me. And, unlike a boyfriend, I know he won’t walk away.”

OK, I’m all for sibling closeness and all, but seriously, is this not Angelina Jolie-and-her-brother weird?

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