Musings About Life... After Birth

Britney, Britney, Britney…....

Last week I was introduced to the new Kidz Bop CD by its PR representatives. For those of you not indoctrinated into the world that is Kidz Bop, it’s essentially the Now That’s What I Call Music! (which I think has like 538 volumes at this point) of the kiddie set.

On a Kidz Bop CD, which enjoy frequent rotations at kids’ gyms classes like those held at My Gym and Little Gym, you’ll find current Top-40 hits, yet they’re all sung by younger artists, and also feature little kids performing the background vocals. Oddly, with the exception of the high-pitched background singers, the Kidz Bop versions of current hits never sound that much different from the originals; the instrumental music is nearly identical, and they always feature a singer who sounds pretty close to the original recording artist. I find Kidz Bop creepy for these reasons, but even more so because there’s just something wrong about hearing little kids sing contemporary songs, all of which have decidedly “contemporary” lyrics.

To reiterate, I do not consider myself a prude, but isn’t there something wrong with 4th graders singing the words to Kelly Clarkson’s “Never Again”? “I hope the ring you gave to her
turns her finger green….Does it hurt to know I’ll never be there?” Never be where? On the playground? With a ring from the gumball machine (actually, those do turn your fingers green)? Other songs on the CD include my boy JT’s “What Goes Around Comes Around” (  “Shoulda known better when you came around that you were gonna make me cry…It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around…cause I know that you’re living a lie”) and Fergie’s “Glamorous” (“Wear them gold and diamonds rings, all them things don’t mean a thing, chaperones and limousines, shopping for expensive things”). Granted, most of the lyrics that are offensive are changed to G-rated ones (In “Glamorous”, for example, “poppin’ champagne” is replaced with a repeat of “flyin’ first class”, which, though offensively obnoxious to me, isn’t “offensive”). However, I maintain that it’s weird to have kids perform songs in which the overall messsage and themes are intended for mature listeners. Again, I ask, am I a total prude for thinking this way?

For these reasons and the fact that if I’m gonna listen to Top 40 music, I’d just as soon listen to the originals (I mean, I get enough high-pitched background “vocals” without turning on the CD player, you know?), I’m gonna say this one isn’t a must-have. What do you think?

I’m not sure if I think Katie Holmes Cruise’s new haircut is super cool or “what the F were you thinking, Katie?”. In one way, I think it’s kinda chic, yet in another, it makes her look 45.

Either way, I wish I had the guts to do it.

Tune into “Broadminded” on XM Radio’s Channel 155 tomorrow at 6:20 PM or 10:20 PM EST to hear another one of my “As Tried on Broadminded” segments. The Broads and I will be discussing the loveliness that is adult acne and the best ways to fight it.

If your big zit can’t wait until tomorrow, check out the recent article on treating adult acne that I wrote for The Family Groove.

I’ll also be sticking around for American Idol recap, offering up my thoughts on all the lame contestants including Blake Lewis (a.k.a. Ben Mackenzie’s stunt double on The O.C.), Jordin Sparks (my new favorite, I guess) and Chris Richardson (please stop singing, which you do poorly, and just stand there and look cute, which you do quite well).

Brandon Rogers: Totally, completely boring. Like some pretty decent karaoke performance. I think this dude is overrated. He must have a big family, because I am not sure who else is voting for him.

Melinda: Good, fine, whatever. I think she’s totally talented, but she seems like, 40 to me. I’m just “eh” on her.

Chris Sligh: I totally agree with Randy - he needs to bring back the glasses; it’s part of his look. Embrace your inner dork, Chris! There are lots of kids in America who probably got their asses kicked in dodgeball when they were young too! Anyway, the song just depressed me. I have to say, I absolutely LOVE “Endless Love”, and he butchered it with that Coldplay-esque rendition. I can’t talk about it anymore…it’s too upsetting. Can he please sing some Blues Traveler and rock it already?

Gina: I’m not buying the whole “I’m soooo edgy!” thing, sister. You can’t shove the fact that you sleep on a pillowcase decorated with photos of your niece and nephew on it and expect me to thing you’re punk. Her voice is fine, but she’s annoying.

Sanjaya: I heard a rumor that all of India is voting for this dude, and considering that it’s one of the most populated places on the planet, I guess that’s why this talentless wet noodle is in the top 12. I want the Haitian guy from “Heroes” to come and erase the memory of his performance from my mind permanently, because it was so bad that I may have nightmares about it tonight. And maybe tomorrow too. Excruciating. Jillian, my editor-in-chief at The Family Groove, says “We call him Man-Gina—because he probably has a va-Gina”. Just looking at him gives me the willies.

Hayley Scarnato: Ugh, I though her performance was bad too. Hayley, you are a sweet, cute girl, but please get off stage and just go be a second grade teacher on Omaha or something.

Phil Stacey: He looks like a Halloween skeleton meets Jim Carrey in “The Mask” to me, and he sounds like Rick Astley. He just creeps me out, and don’t even get me started on the fact that he missed his kid’s birth to try out for Idol. Dude, when your wife squeezes a human out of her vagina, get your ass there and hold her hand. I was too focused on my annoyance with him to watch his performance.

KiKi: The song choice was “eh”, but damn, this girl can sing. Looked smokin’ too. I kinda wish she had chosen a more recognizable, classic Diana Ross song and “brought it” a little more, but it was still great. It’s so obvious Paula likes Melinda better because she always gives LaKisha a blandly nice comment, but nowhere near the orgasm she has when she hears Melinda sing.

Blake: First off, Blake, stop dancing. The whole “I’m so young and cool and modern” thing is getting old for me. Is it just me, or does this dude look like he was plucked from the set of “The O.C” by the Idol producers, who thought he was destined to so much more than Ben Mackenzie’s” Ryan” stunt double? He’s too Cali for this East Coast girl, I guess. I just don’t get him. I think he is total cheese, and he’s already starting to get that Idol Contestant sense of self-importance, which nauseates me. Oh - and the “cool” light show? I felt like I was back in the Starlight Roller Rink in my Strawberry Shortcake skates, it was so 80s.

Stephanie: Love that you’re from Georgia, Stephanie. I think it’s a shame she’s in the competition with Melinda and LaKisha, because she’s probably going to be in their shadow for a while. She’s good. Nice job, but I sorta wish she had done the up-tempo part too.

Chris Richardson: The kid is cute. Very cute, and that’s good, because I think he’s only marginally talented. The disco song choice and performance was weird and theatrical. He kinda looks like a cross between Justin Timberlake and Chad Michael Murray. I bet Justin is really only that talented too, when you break it down, so maybe this kid has a huge future. He’s just OK, but damn cute. Did I mention I think he’s cute?

Jordin Sparks: Cheese-tastic song, but she really sang it well. I guess I like her okay. She’s fine, whatever. All these talented female singers of color are starting to run together for me, I must admit. I hate saying that, but it’s the truth.

The best of the night: LaKisha

My pick to go:  If the voters have ears, Sanjaya.