Musings About Life... After Birth

...Cool Ranch Doritos and fresh-squeezed (this is essential) orange juice.

My high-falutin’ taste in O.J. is not a good thing. The crap costs $5.99 at Whole Foods. WTF??? Does that come with a foot massage too? Since when am I too good for Tropicana?

Seriously, the combo is damn good. Oh - remember the antacids I mentioned in my last post? Yeah, you’re gonna need those after you finish.

When I was pregnant with my son, I developed some SERIOUSLY wicked heartburn at the end of my third trimester. I had heard of heartburn before, but had never experienced it. I thought it was one of those things that only overweight, pro football-watching men in their 50s and 60s who ate big sausage and pepper sandwiches experienced. I didn’t think I had ever experienced it, but figured maybe I had, but just didn’t realize it.

I soon learned, however, that heartburn is sort of like an orgasm: when you’re experiencing it: you know. Of course,  heartburn is much less enjoyable than an orgasm. In fact, it’s downright wretched. Overweight, pro football-watching men in your 50s and 60s who eat big sausage and pepper sandwiches, I feel you.

During those times, I popped Tums like candy. I kept a stock in my car, in my purse, on my bedside table and anywhere else I could store them. I consumed Tums with such regularity that I became a bit of a Tums connoisseur. Orange Cream flavor: yuck. Mixed Berries flavor: good, except for the blackberry ones. Assorted Fruit flavor: really damn good, like a slightly chalkier and less sour version of sweet tarts.

Strangely, the heartburn with this pregnancy has decided to begin now, in my 18th week. Awesome. This weekend I made a return trip to the CVS to purchase my old friends, the Assorted Fruit Tums. They were just as good as I remembered, and still work miracles. I also decided to branch out a bit and try some Rolaids, so I purchased their Extra Strength Antacid Tablets in the convenient 3-roll pack, each little roll perfect for stashing in your purse or car, or for travel.  I tried the exotic Tropical Punch flavor (like a trip to the Caribbean for your throat!), which were quite tasty, and worked just as well as my Tums.

Moral of the story: if the burnin’ in your heart is more due to acid reflux than a passionate desire to get it on with your husband (and as all Moms know, when you’re pregnant, fat, gassy and exhausted, you’re more likely to experience the former than the latter), grab yourself some of these antacids. Your esophagus will thank me.<

This December my husband and I are taking a trip to Grand Cayman, just the two of us. We’re thinking it will be the last vacation we take for a loooooong time, as the new baby will be here in March, and who knows when the hell we will ever get out after that?

Though stores are no longer carrying maternity swimsuits, I’ll be bringing some of the maternity bathing suits I have leftover from when I was pregnant with my son. He was born in October, so I spent a good deal of the summer before he was born at the pool, reading the second-to-last Harry Potter book. There is NOTHING like being in the pool when pregnant. It’s the only time you feel totally weightless, and feeling totally weightless when pregnant is akin to eating an entire cheesecake in terms of things that are fabulously exhilarating (and trust me, I know from first-hand knowledge how BOTH feel).

Though I rocked some maternity tankinis during my last pregnancy, I never had the courage to wear an actual bikini while pregnant. Some women look cute in them, but I thought I looked like a whale (that said, I think I look like a whale in a bikini even when I am not pregnant). Therefore, I’ve been intrigued by these recent pictures of pregnant Nicole Richie in her string bikinis, big ‘ol belly flopping over her tiny bottoms: