Chelsea Kaplan’s Musings About Life... After Birth

Dear Duchess,

Congratulations on the wedding. You looked lovely. I didn't get up to watch it -- hello, three kids -- but, as I don't live under the rock, I feel like I got caught up pretty quickly. Leading up to the wedding, as you ran errands, you looked beautiful. As a bride you were stunning, and I've been really impressed with what you've worn since then. I think your style is flawless, and I love that -- odd headpieces aside -- you don't feel like you have to push the envelope of normal fashion in order to be fasionable. It works. And I'm impressed. And grateful, because I know you have a solid influence on fashion, and I'm really grateful that your influence balances out that of, say, Lady Gaga. Yin and Yang and all of that.

But girlfriend, I just read an article that said you are bringing back nude hose. If you're wearing them, then this is the truth. And I've seen pictures. Kate, I have to tell you, I feel personally betrayed. The fact that you are donning them in public is the butterfly flapping its wings that will cause a hurricane of stockings to descend on women the world over. I'm sure this time next year I'll own a few pairs, despite how wholeheartedly I rejoiced when they went out of vogue. Who am I to argue with fashion? And let's face it, Kate, you're fashion. 

I just thought it may be worth asking you to abort this mission, for the comfort of moms everywhere. Sure, I don't work in an office, so I may be able to dodge this trend for the majority of my week. I wear jeans most days, and I generally only get dressed up on Sundays. But by the time I've wrestled all three of my children safely across the hot parking lot and into the church building, I'm usually a hot mess. (I mean this both literally and figuratively.) The addition of hose, suffocating me with their clinging ickiness, will only put me into a worse mindset...a mindset not properly suited to worship. Do it for God, Kate. Take off the stockings.

Women who wear stockings are more likely to commit crimes, I'm convinced of it. Moms whose legs are free from these nylon tethers will be better parents. We'll be more happy and patient. Hose will bring women to violence, Kate, or at least a painful level of constant irritation. To cut this trend off at the pass would be a humanitarian effort, Lady. Think of all the discomfort you could singlehandedly alleviate by simply refusing to wear hose. It.could.be.beautiful.

In the name of compromise, I suggest that you begin using Jergen's Body Glow. Like nude hose it banishes the pastiness of an untanned leg, won't run, and doesn't feel like a parasite trying to consume its host. I'll be one of the first to support your cause. Or perhaps sclerotherapy for the masses? I'd be happy to be your poster child. 

Please? PLEASE?

Your palest friend, unable to don stockings without immediately running them,

Colleen