Chelsea Kaplan’s Musings About Life... After Birth

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who I really, really dislike, returned to The View this morning after having been on maternity leave following the birth of her second child, son Taylor Thomas. Check out her glorious homecoming to the lamest group of daytime talk show hostesses ever by clicking here.

If there’s one thing that irks me more than talentless, Fox news-regurgitating, Stepford fembots who are supposed to represent the ladies of my generation, it’s placing unrealistic weight loss expectations on post-partum moms. Despite this, I did tune in to watch Elisabeth and see how she looked. Clad in a crazy-printed, black and white empire-waist dress, you couldn’t really tell how much weight she had or hadn’t lost, and you know what - fine with me. Even though I am sure your producers will have an opinion on how quickly you need to lose that weight, I don’t care, Elisabeth. You just had your second kid, so don’t worry about it. Take your time.

What I do care about, however, Elisabeth, was your decision to get a spray-tan that made you look like a walking clementine. I’m assuming this was the case, as I have only seen babies “yellow” with jaundice post-birth, and not moms “orange “with whatever the heck might turn them orange. You looked like an oompa loompa, Liz. Go home and scrub that crap off with a Mr. Clean magic eraser.

Your, baby, however? Seriously, seriously cute. Call me for a play date. I need to talk some political sense into you anyway.