Chelsea Kaplan’s Musings About Life... After Birth

Last weekend I went to the card shop to purchase Father’s Day cards, all the while patting myself on the back for not waiting until the last minute, as is usually the case. My order was particularly large, as I was buying for my husband (one “husband” card from me, one “Dad” card from my son), my Dad (one “Dad” card me and my husband, one “grandpa” card from his grandson) and two grandpas (two “grandpa” cards from me and my husband, two “great grandpa” cards from my son).

As I leafed through the cards, I noticed that there were clearly a handful of set themes:

Recreation: namely, golf, fishing and watching t.v.

Sexy: These are, of course, wife-to-husband cards. “Happy Father’s Day, now let’s get naked!” These must be for parents of college-aged kids, right?

Laziness: “It’s your day, Dad! Lay on the couch all day if you want….not like that’s different from any other day!”. Also falling into this category are cards about not sharing the remote.

Apologetic: “Sorry for all the trouble I gave you/money of yours I spent/
sleepless nights I caused you, Dad!”. These also are available from the wife perspective “Sorry I always spend your money, but you’re a great Dad!”

Sweet: These are boring.

Beer: I’m amazed at how many frat-Dad cards referencing beer are out there. But really, why shouldn’t alcoholic beverages and Father’s Day go together like peas and carrots?

Dad refuses to ask for directions: I’ve been known to get a few of these for my father, as he always does. I would never, however, purchase one for my husband, as he is a human navigation system. Really and truly - it’s amazing.

Bodily Functions: Strangely, there are countless burping and farting cards out there. Honestly, though, what warms the heart like a Father’s Day card referencing farting?

If evil aliens plotting to wage war on Earth decided to do their strategizing/sociological research on mankind at the Hallmark store in June, I imagine they’d assume that the American male is a golf-playing fisherman who enjoys watching t.v., will never ask for directions, gets a ton of grief from his kids and wife (who may, however, be interested in having sex with him), and drinks beer and farts like a madman.

“This is going to be a piece of cake!” they’d chuckle.