Chelsea Kaplan’s Musings About Life... After Birth

Posted by Chelsea on May 19, 2008

Those of you who read this blog regularly know that I have two sons and no daughters. As it looks less likely every day that I can handle having more kids (read: another shot at a girl), I am therefore hoping that at least one of my sons will be gay. If this is true, perhaps I will have one shopping and Project Runway-obsessed companion who will not think twice about traveling to the beach with me when he’s 30. Let’s be honest here: if one of my 30-year old, married, straight sons wants to go on vacation with his Mommy, that’s a little weird. If one of those sons is gay, however, not so much. You feeling me here?

My littlest guy is only 2 months old, so I have no read on him yet. My oldest son, however, I think I do. He is 2 1/2, has always been obsessed with tractors. His obsession of the moment, however is monster trucks. No only does he reek of “straight”, he also smacks of my South Georgia heritage. Sadly, I’m just not thinking he’s gonna be gay.

To divert his attention from tractors and monster trucks towards pink tutus and The Nutcracker, I begged Momtourage member Alison to take him as her twin daughters’ “special guest” to ballet class, but she didn’t, opting instead to bring Momtourgae member Jen’s little girl, Maddie. “I guess he could go too,” she said, “but it will probably be all girls.” I know she was humoring me in pretending to entertain the idea, but I was serious.

Recently, however, I’m feeling a little more optimistic, as he’s been exhibiting some slightly promising tendencies:

1) He demonstrates a CLEAR preference for the colors purple and pink (usually purple, but #2 is pink). I’m gonna ignore the fact that he asked for a red balloon instead of his predictable purple the other day when we were at Trader Joe’s. He said it was because it was the same color as a fire truck, but I think by “fire truck” he meant lipstick.

2) He is WAY into blow drying his hair with my hair dryer.

Oh, this adds such GORGEOUS volume!

Once I’m done, Mommy, we’re breaking into your jewelery drawer!

Okay, okay...it’s machinery, but dammit, it’s a HAIR DRYER! He didn’t pick the stereo or the DVD player. Score one for Mommy!

Fingers crossed...

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Aurora K on May 20, 2008 at 5:24pm

I love your blog and read it often, and your witty words usually make me smile. I just can’t help but think that it’s a little selfish and a whole lot weird that you think so long and hard about your sons’ sexual preferences. They’re kids--just enjoy and whatever happens, happens. Maybe you’ll have a girl someday Anything can happen!

Jimmy Choo on May 20, 2008 at 5:37pm

Chels - once again you leave me in stitches. Your parody of a pseudo-open-minded, yuppie is spot on as always. I love the way you captured the subtle hypocrisy and self-delusion. The way the mom character implicitly congratulates her enlightened attitude of wanting a gay child, but then invokes gay stereotypes that date back to the 1940s. All of it wrapped around a meditation on her own needs. Sublime. This is the kind of crisp, social satire that belongs on the pages of the New Yorker.

Chelsea said on May 20, 2008 at 8:33pm
from Washington, D.C.

Thanks so much for your sincere compliments, “Jimmy”. Perhaps in my first New Yorker piece I can fashion a quizzically jealous, bitter, angry “character” who thinks the “mom character” is too dumb realize that his/her comments are actually - gasp - born of nasty spite - and that this character’s own self-important, pseudo-intellectual self has nothing better to do post insulting comments on the “mom character’s” blog! Brilliant!

Christine on May 20, 2008 at 8:53pm

I don’t understand why if when people read you blog and they don’t like it, they still keep reading it but just post mean comments. Obviously you’re pretty much teasing about wanting a gay kid - anyone who takes that seriously doesn’t have the sense of humor to truly get your writing, Chelsea. Way to stick it to that ass Jimmy Choo. What a loser.

Tricia O'Keefe on May 20, 2008 at 9:47pm

HA! Good one, Chelsea. Dickweeds like Jimmy Choo are just jealous of your fabulousness. Anonymous postings are such an easy way to attack. And by easy I mean “cowardly”.

SM on May 20, 2008 at 9:50pm

Uhhhhh....who still uses the word “yuppie”? Oh, that’s right - it’s someone who questions YOUR writing skills and modern views! Now that’s sublime!

Anonymous on May 21, 2008 at 1:26pm

i am sure you’re just teasin, but do you really want a gay son? that life would be really hard for him. and no grandkids for you maybe. i get what you mean about the vacay thing. my sisters and i still go on trips with our mama & we are in our 40s.

Grammie on May 21, 2008 at 1:30pm

As a mother of two (very straight and married!) sons and no daughters (but two wonderful daughter-in-laws) I LOVED your post today! It was hysterically tongue-in-cheek...and, anyone who couldn’t see that needs to get a life. C’mon people, lighten up!!!!!!! Great post....love your humor and the adorable pictures just added to it.

irina on May 21, 2008 at 1:59pm

i echo grammie an also christine by saying that people who don’t get your humor need to get the hell off your blog. well, you know that having haters means you actually have admirers!

Anonymous on May 21, 2008 at 10:30pm

Who cares if Chelsea is “teasing” or not about wanting a gay son? Is that any different than hoping that your son will be straight? As it happens, the gay men I know DO have incredibly tight relationships with their moms—my straight husband, on the other hand, not so much. Call that stereotyping, Jimmy Choo, but if the shoe fits…

Melissa on May 21, 2008 at 10:35pm

Is he actually wanting to dry his hair or just play with the dryer?

Chelsea said on May 21, 2008 at 10:36pm
from Washington, D.C.

Play with it. Damn, Melissa, must we split hairs? Pun not intended…

Anonymous on May 22, 2008 at 4:35pm

whatever.....this whole gay infatuation is just the flavor of the week discussion. I don’t think you really understand what having a gay child means and, for that matter, neither do I. But I spend my thoughtful moments being happy that my children are healthy.

Anonymous on June 3, 2008 at 2:00pm

And I thought I was the only one who secretly pines for my son to be gay so that he will never leave me!!!! I have 2 older daughters, but they are all into boys already. My son is still little & at 5 years old, shows a great propensity for all things FAB-U-LOUS!!!

on June 22, 2008 at 8:58am

What a wonderful website, will recommend this to my sister

on July 25, 2008 at 5:41pm

The dream of a gay son...I’m with you there. A gay son has a good chance of having a genetic disposition for design, fashion and great food (stereotypical, yes...but true). And later in life, he’ll find a great long-term partner (read - bonus gay son, double benefit!) and they’ll both cook, shop and chat with mom frequently. And folks(credentials: I’m gay myself), being gay isn’t a hardship if your friends and family are on board. Every gay son wants a mom who is so accepting that she jumps up and down and screams “Let’s go shopping!!”

wow gold on September 22, 2008 at 9:31am

Thanks for your article. Everybody has a dream. So go for your dream. Thanks for sharing with us. I really like it.

teak furniture on September 23, 2008 at 12:47am

I always enjoy reading you blog. You’ve got many worth full information. Thanks for sharing.

Motorcycle Fairings on November 19, 2008 at 4:07pm

so cute. He will find out by himself what stuff is available and what isn’t.

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