Chelsea Kaplan’s Musings About Life... After Birth

Brandon Rogers: Totally, completely boring. Like some pretty decent karaoke performance. I think this dude is overrated. He must have a big family, because I am not sure who else is voting for him.

Melinda: Good, fine, whatever. I think she’s totally talented, but she seems like, 40 to me. I’m just “eh” on her.

Chris Sligh: I totally agree with Randy - he needs to bring back the glasses; it’s part of his look. Embrace your inner dork, Chris! There are lots of kids in America who probably got their asses kicked in dodgeball when they were young too! Anyway, the song just depressed me. I have to say, I absolutely LOVE “Endless Love”, and he butchered it with that Coldplay-esque rendition. I can’t talk about it anymore…it’s too upsetting. Can he please sing some Blues Traveler and rock it already?

Gina: I’m not buying the whole “I’m soooo edgy!” thing, sister. You can’t shove the fact that you sleep on a pillowcase decorated with photos of your niece and nephew on it and expect me to thing you’re punk. Her voice is fine, but she’s annoying.

Sanjaya: I heard a rumor that all of India is voting for this dude, and considering that it’s one of the most populated places on the planet, I guess that’s why this talentless wet noodle is in the top 12. I want the Haitian guy from “Heroes” to come and erase the memory of his performance from my mind permanently, because it was so bad that I may have nightmares about it tonight. And maybe tomorrow too. Excruciating. Jillian, my editor-in-chief at The Family Groove, says “We call him Man-Gina—because he probably has a va-Gina”. Just looking at him gives me the willies.

Hayley Scarnato: Ugh, I though her performance was bad too. Hayley, you are a sweet, cute girl, but please get off stage and just go be a second grade teacher on Omaha or something.

Phil Stacey: He looks like a Halloween skeleton meets Jim Carrey in “The Mask” to me, and he sounds like Rick Astley. He just creeps me out, and don’t even get me started on the fact that he missed his kid’s birth to try out for Idol. Dude, when your wife squeezes a human out of her vagina, get your ass there and hold her hand. I was too focused on my annoyance with him to watch his performance.

KiKi: The song choice was “eh”, but damn, this girl can sing. Looked smokin’ too. I kinda wish she had chosen a more recognizable, classic Diana Ross song and “brought it” a little more, but it was still great. It’s so obvious Paula likes Melinda better because she always gives LaKisha a blandly nice comment, but nowhere near the orgasm she has when she hears Melinda sing.

Blake: First off, Blake, stop dancing. The whole “I’m so young and cool and modern” thing is getting old for me. Is it just me, or does this dude look like he was plucked from the set of “The O.C” by the Idol producers, who thought he was destined to so much more than Ben Mackenzie’s” Ryan” stunt double? He’s too Cali for this East Coast girl, I guess. I just don’t get him. I think he is total cheese, and he’s already starting to get that Idol Contestant sense of self-importance, which nauseates me. Oh - and the “cool” light show? I felt like I was back in the Starlight Roller Rink in my Strawberry Shortcake skates, it was so 80s.

Stephanie: Love that you’re from Georgia, Stephanie. I think it’s a shame she’s in the competition with Melinda and LaKisha, because she’s probably going to be in their shadow for a while. She’s good. Nice job, but I sorta wish she had done the up-tempo part too.

Chris Richardson: The kid is cute. Very cute, and that’s good, because I think he’s only marginally talented. The disco song choice and performance was weird and theatrical. He kinda looks like a cross between Justin Timberlake and Chad Michael Murray. I bet Justin is really only that talented too, when you break it down, so maybe this kid has a huge future. He’s just OK, but damn cute. Did I mention I think he’s cute?

Jordin Sparks: Cheese-tastic song, but she really sang it well. I guess I like her okay. She’s fine, whatever. All these talented female singers of color are starting to run together for me, I must admit. I hate saying that, but it’s the truth.

The best of the night: LaKisha

My pick to go:  If the voters have ears, Sanjaya.