Chelsea Kaplan’s Musings About Life... After Birth

Reese, you look HOT. Smokin’ hot. Leaving your cheating, talentless husband agrees with you.

I adore this dress. I mean, Penelope Cruz could probably wear a paper bag and look fantastic, but this dress is amazing, and it’s got to be hard to wear.

I wish this gorgeous red dress was being worn by someone without scary Botox and a creepy personality, but then again, you probably need a rail-thin, nine foot tall person to wear it. Regardless, it’s beautiful.

If this is what “old” looks like, sign me up.

No, not Jada - her dress looks like an ugly recycled bridesmaids dress. I’m talking Will, who’s managing to rock a bow-tie tux (which I always think is somewhat of a corny ensemble) and look scorchingly hot. Clooney, eat your heart out. (Of note: The Fresh Prince has gone gray, which makes me feel majorly, depressingly old).

Here’s the real Queen. Who say you have to be a size 2 to look awesome?

Wearing an ugly-ass dress that is the same color as your pasty skin is always a great idea, Kirsten! And that hair? Throw on a headband and you’re ready to wash your face! The whole look is just eww.

Gwyneth, you picked this to wear on a night out with your husband and away from your kids? Honey, you’re gorgeous and fashion-forward, but you seriously missed the mark tonight with this matronly getup. Boring, too-long hair, weird sleeves, funky color, constricting shape (did you see her try to walk in it?), bad pose….yuck.

Clive, you are hot. This outfit, however, is just silly. How hard would it have been to throw on a white shirt and black tie?

Seriously, at what point did Jessica Biel become an actress worthy of an Oscar invite, much less presenter status? Being on “Seventh Heaven” and in “Summer Catch” with Freddie Prinze, Jr.? This just fuels my theory that celeb relationships (see: her reported fling with Justin Timberlake) are orchestrated purely for publicity purposes. And the dress? Remove the belt, and she’s with Jada in the recycled bridesmaid dress group.

I actually kinda dig this architectural dress - it’s a risky choice, much like many fashion moves Cameron Diaz makes, but I think it works on her for the most part. Her hair and orange fake tan, however, are horrendous.

Meryl, did we not have this discussion before? You are so amazing, yet your clothes are so freaking awful. Was this necklace a favor from your last trip to Benihana? After you leave the Oscars, call a gay man and get help. Please, we beg you.