Chelsea Kaplan’s Musings About Life... After Birth

Posted by Chelsea on December 19, 2008

The top story on People.com today (yeah, I read it regularly): the birth of Jim and Michelle Duggar’s 18th child - and their desire to keep on havin’ more.

The Duggars, who reside in Tontitown, Ark., have 10 sons and eight daughters, ranging in age from 17 months to 20 years, all with first names starting with the letter J, including the newborn addition, Jordyn-Grace Makiya Duggar. They are featured on the TLC network show “17 Kids & Counting” (which will no doubt have its name updated to reflect the birth of No. 18). I guess Jon and Kate Plus Eight wasn’t hard core enough for some people, so they had to go with another clan of folks who think a house full of kids is a recipe for bliss. I don’t watch either show, but I do know of Jon & Kate. I watched it once, and was so put off by how disgustingly Kate treats Jon, I had to turn it off. I guess if I had eight kids and was with them all day, I would treat my husband like crap too, but still, she’s just too harsh - even for me.

Naturally, I have all sorts of thoughts on the Duggars. Here they are, broken into categories:

Michelle

1) Sister Michelle has been pregnant for 162 months. That’s 13.5 years. Jesus. Can you imagine all that heartburn? With all the Tums she must have consumed in her lifetime, I bet her bones are like iron.

2) I wonder if she just perennially shops in the maternity department. I mean, she must, right?

3) Does she even try to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight? Does she know what it is?

4) Her hormones must be yo-yo-esque. I would hate to be her husband - or her kids.

5) I bet her nails are kick-ass. With all those pregnancies, they must be killer.

Jim

1) Initially, I thought he must be really lucky in the sex department - with all those pregnancies, it seems like he and Michelle must get it on all the time. However, after more careful analysis, I have come to the conclusion that this poor dude actually has the worst sex life in America. He wife is always pregnant AND they have a messload of kids. Think she’s in the mood often? You catch my drift.

2) I’m thinking the “J” names of the kids are all to honor him, some weirdo narcissistic George Foreman kinda thing. If so, dude, that’s lame. I mean, you’ve spread your seed 18 times, Jim. Your genetic material is all over the place. There’s really no need to brand all of them with your initial to seal the deal, is there?

Jim and Michelle

1) These people are, without a doubt, on freaking crack. 18 kids? And they want more? I’m sorry, but that’s just flat-out weird. Even if you absolutely adore kids, when you have that many, you can’t really develop these deep, meaningful relationships with each of them. It’s just impossible. I guess the kids will end up having them with each other (or at least the ones closest in age to them), and that is of value, but that’s with each other, not Jim and Michelle. So why, people? Really? Are they just gluttons for punishment? So socially awkward that they have no friends and therefore had to create a whole community of people who had to hang out with them? Members of a weirdo religious cult? I think the latter. Michelle has that horrendous cult hair (read: unnaturally long and worn in some bizarre Little House on the Prairie ‘do), as do her teenage daughters. Definitely cult.

2) What do they drive to cart around all of those kids? I know having three kids means getting a minivan, and you all know I cringe at the thought of that. But seriously, do they own a schoolbus?

3) Do you think they find out the sex of the baby before it’s born? I doubt it. I mean, with 10 of one sex and eight of another, do they really care? If they like to be surprised, when the baby comes out and the doctor announces its sex, do you think they’re like, “Oh, okay, cool. Whatever.”?

Things that make you go hmmmmmm….

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.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on December 30, 2008 at 10:12am

I can’t imagine what their monthly food bill must be like. And the kids are probably bunked 4 to a room. Definitely not what I would choose for my family.

.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on January 4, 2009 at 3:48pm

i think its time she discovers the birthcrontrol pil and such, because i think this is too much.

.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on January 7, 2009 at 7:01pm

People like these frighten me.

Ann Farnsberg on January 22, 2009 at 4:41pm

Wow, I think you nailed it on the head that she won’t be able to deeply bond with all of her children. Sad for the children I believe.

Care Givers on February 12, 2009 at 3:09am

There are few countries where they encourage people to give birth to as many child’s as they can, I think we have to send this couple for such countries. I don’t know what would happen if we found more such couples in countries like China & India.

.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on May 3, 2009 at 10:35am

Okay,look, it is their choice to have that many kids, maybe they just love raising and taking care of them, you shouldn’t be calling them socially awkward or saying she needs on birthcontrol pills. And Chelsea, your opinion on Jon&Kate;plus 8, all I have to say is WHO GIVES A FUCK its a damn movie, you reallly need to learn how to NOT make yourself look really abnoxious. If you are going to say “Apparently you are wrong since all these people online agree with me.” All I have to say is, they are people like you who just don’t have anyone else as crazy as them.

.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on May 3, 2009 at 8:09pm

Wow, what a bunch of judgmental, snarky women. This is my first visit to this site, and will be my last. Snotty commentary is not humor.

Especially from someone who puts her kid to bed with a bottle. But I bet it’s just water, right? Right.

.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on October 28, 2009 at 12:21pm

Wow, I’m late to this discussion, but in my defense I just stumbled upon your fabulous blog! Yah these people are a little different, and she’s pregnant AGAIN! That makes it NINETEEN kids and counting.
The cult they belong to is called “Quiverful”, and it encourages mass procreating to make “God’s quiver” overflowing with arrows.

Odd.

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