Chelsea Kaplan’s Musings About Life... After Birth

I’m not sure what is up with the latest trend in celebrity pregnancy denial. What I am sure about, however, is that it annoys the crap out of me.

First there was Christina Aguilera, who despite an ever-expanding belly (and even more significantly ever-expanding boobs - have you SEEN those things lately?) and a public “outing” by the loathsome Paris Hilton, did not confirm until Sunday that she was pregnant. She looks about 6 months along.

The latest in those denying bun in the oven is Jennifer Lopez. Once she began rocking all sorts of empire-waisted ensembles that covered not only her belly but also the motor in the back of her Honda, people started suspecting something was up. Once photos of an obvious belly bump surfaced, and Roberto Cavalli, the designer responsible for her tour costumes confirmed her pregnancy, one would have assumed she’d come out with it.  Even after Us Weekly ran a cover screaming “Yes, she’s pregnant!”, inside which the corresponding article suggested her own mother was roaming around town telling everyone it’s twins, no revelation occurred.

I totally get that deciding when to reveal your pregnancy is a very personal decision. Some come right out with it the minute they get 2 pink lines on their pregnancy test stick. Others wait until they’re past a certain gestation timeline before revealing to others that they’re pregnant. Either way is cool with me. Do what you (and your partner) gotta do.

What I don’t get, however, is the intelligence-insulting denial of the utterly, ridiculously obvious - especially when it seems everyone pretty much knows the truth. The argument that these ladies wish for a little privacy is downright hilarious to me. Are people honestly suggesting that Aguilera and Lopez, “vocalists” who dressed their barely legal selves up in leather assless chaps and writhed to a song called “Dirrrty” and wore a see-through Versace scarf dress cut down to her hoo-hoo to an awards show, respectively, want privacy? “No, no,” some have said, “that is their job, this is their life.” Really? If these two women hold the “intimate” details of their personal lives sacred, why then, did both make hugely public affairs of their engagements and weddings? Honestly, when it comes to publicity-seeking starlets, these two chicks are some of Hollywood’s prime examples. It just doesn’t compute.

The best hypothesis I can come up as to why these ladies kept and/or are keeping their mouths shut is that it’s yet another way to stay in the headlines. Even that’s not a good explanation, though, because the media is eagerly trailing the heels of Halle Berry, who has been more than public about her pregnancy. In fact, she’s getting more press than ever before.

Therefore, I’ve decided that what must be going on is that these women are total morons who think the American public - or anyone interested enough in what’s going on with them - are total morons. Who’s the biggest moron of all, however? Me, for writing about them.

Sucker.