Chelsea Kaplan’s Musings About Life... After Birth

I follow my pediatritian’s advice pretty much to the letter.  I have a 3 1/2 year old and a (almost) 6 month old and they are doing just fine, thank you.  About a month ago, my family was at a local diner for lunch when the owner says to me, “Don’t you want some food for the baby?  I can bring out something for her.”  As my dr. suggests starting out w/ baby cereal and moving on to green veggies at 5 months, I say, “No thanks, I’ve just started her on cereal, no food yet.”  She stands, hand on hip, shaking her head and says, “You’re one of those mothers that doesn’t feed your kid until 6 months, aren’t you?  My kid was taking cereal in her bottle at 3 weeks and slept through the night!”  I wanted to point out the fact that we did not have the same children and she had no right to give me advice or chastise me in front of the restaurant patrons or my family but I instead told her that I follow the dr’s advice and do just fine.  This is someone that I have to see regularly, our daughters are friends and it’s a small town.  Maybe I should make some suggestions on how to run her restaurant???

Wow, it sounds like somebody’s overdue for a massage. Keep in mind that the nasty bathroom woman is 60 years old. 30 years ago child rearing was full of Bronze Age brutality and cruelness. Children were not allowed to complain about their uncomfortable shoes and they were forced to eat every last scrap of food off of their dinner plates. And if the parents wanted to watch Hill Street Blues while a Charlie Brown special was on, it was tough luck for the kids. Bathroom monster (er, woman) probably sometimes has difficulty understanding all of the coddling and programming invovled in child rearing these days. Instead of getting mad you should celebrate the progressiveness of your maternal skills and instincts while taking it as a sign that the generational differences between the two of you are tilted in your favor. A middle aged woman might think she has all the answers, but always be leery of taking advice from somebody who comes from a generation of people who thought cigarettes boosted vitality and nothing was a better thirst quencher than a stiff cocktail. The fact that you have two blogs about motherhood shows that you know what you’re doing better than most people. Next time let it roll off your back. Most of the time anger is just wasted energy that could better be spent on more productive tasks.

wow. i have a special finger reserved just for those kinds of people.
my worst assvice experience? i think my son was about 7 weeks old, it was a cold day, and we were in our local starbucks when he started to cry. he needed to nurse. but some nasty woman marched right up to me and told me the reason he was crying is because “that child is way overdressed, he’s hot, that’s why he’s crying.”
it was my first time ever being on the receiving end of assvice. and i was postpartum and hormonal and i felt A HOT FLASH OF RAGE wash over me. it was all i could do to not throw my venti non-fat, sugar-free, decaf latte in that woman’s face.
meh.

The worst unsolicited comment made to me was when I was about 7 months pregnant.  My forgetfulness had caused me to leave my lunch at home before coming to work so I decided to “splurge” and get myself a cheeseburger from McDonalds.  I was in my back in my office when a co-worker came by and said “I hope you don’t plan to give in to your cravings with that type of food everyday, you should really try eating a little healthier at this point.” I responded by simply taking another huge bite - proudly (I also learned to eat my lunch with my door closed from that point on!)

That same thing happened to me only it was my own Grandmother who was saying, “She really should be using the potty by now.” I wrote it off to the fact that in her advanced age she no longer makes any attempt to mask what she thinks.  Oh and I also took solace in the fact that at least my 3-year-old daughter pees in the potty… its No 2 that is giving us all the trouble and it seriously STINKS! (pun intended)  Every mom I talk to about this tells me to just relax and wait it out. Like my great-aunt Stelly said, “They aren’t going to walk down the aisle in diapers so don’t worry so much.”  Amen!  Oh and then there is the added benefit that waiting it out and letting her do her doody in her own time is a heck of a lot easier then trying to force it on her!

I have twins conceived via In Vitro and have gotten more than my share of stupid comments over the years…

The one that sent me into a RAGE happened the summer they were 7 yo. We were in a store offering water and soft drinks to customers due to the heat.

My kids were thirsty, so I gave them the go ahead and my daughter picked up the last water. My twins don’t share, so that left her brother with a soft drink choice. Since soda is a no-no in our house for them - my son wasn’t sure what to pick. I told him to get the Sprite - the sugar he could handle and caffeine wasn’t an issue.
A young male,( I’m guessing college age) was working the door overheard what I said to my son and he went into a fit “YOU don’t let your kids drink sodas? How DARE you!”
Oooooohhh! TICKED me off!  There was a lot more to the exchange with this KID telling me what a horrible parent I was because of some other things I said were forbidden. SERIOUSLY?!?!  I can almost handle ignorant comments from vet Mom/Grammas, but this was ridiculous…

When my son was about 6 weeks old, I was at a family function, and being a single, first-time Mom surrounded by plenty of mothers, grandmothers, etc., I was a little intimidated. Everybody had been holding my son all day, he was passed around like dice, so when he got to me, I noticed he was warm. I started to take his blanket off and everybody started saying “No! He’s cold! It’s chilly in here!” So I left it on, and sure enough he started to cry. So everybody was saying, “Feed him!” “Give him a pacifier” “He’s just tired!” And I was thinking, “I"m pretty sure he’s just too hot!” But everybody kept throwing the blanket on him, until my favorite aunt came over, picked him up, announced that sure enough he was roasting! So she stripped him, laid him on the floor on a blanket, and he immediately quit crying and smiled. I felt so relieved. I told you so! I might be knew at this mom thing, but I do know my son.

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